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Journey to Marriage: Moments of insecurity.

Imagine an emotional roller coaster one moment you feel like you’re being looked at like you are the most beautiful woman on the planet & another you’re as insecure as can be. I wasn’t scared that the man I was falling in love with was talking to someone else or was considering another person, rather that I wasn’t being validated the way I wanted.

You see, it took him 2 years before introducing me to his parents. That was honestly the most painful part. I grew up in a very family-oriented home and I was taught by my father that there is nothing more important than family. Just put yourself in my shoes… I was a wreck. The enemy was putting thoughts in my mind that had no place being there. “You’re not good enough to even meet them”, “if you where really ‘the one’ you would have met them by now”.

What I didn’t know at the time was that Amners internal struggle became mine. He had no place in being in a relationship at the time. Granted, I’m SOOO glad we’re here today. However, he wasn’t emotionally equipped on his own to be in any relationship. (Neither was I)

This season was such a tender one. It was filled with experiences & encounters with God. The Lord kept tugging at our hearts to draw closer to Him, NOT to eachother. It was a battle. It truly was. We found so many things in our hearts as individuals that had NO PLACE being there. Things like fear, idolatry & so much more.

Fear: fear of letting go. Yes, literally letting go of each other and trusting in Gods plan. There where sooo many moments where I would cry because I knew I was scared of losing this relationship and the amazing friendship that came with it.

Idolatry: no… I didn’t worship Amner lol. But just the fact I would call him, talk to him and thought about him more than the Lord was a BIG red flag. Thats a form of idolatry, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Call me extreme, but it was my personal conviction.

***

As time passed I grew in insecurity. My identity felt questioned, I didn’t feel validated and nothing felt right. I can recall endless nights of crying because I knew my worth on paper but not in real life. I would often wonder… “But… I’m a woman of God, this isn’t fair.” & question “Why am I not being validated, I’ve never hurt him like others have?”

But all those insecurities needed to be surrendered at the Lords throne, and thats exactly what happened. This led us into a season of separation (which will be up on the blog next)

One thing I learned from that tough season was that comparison is NOT from God. If you find yourself comparing, you’re taking place in self-destruction. Its not healthy nor pleasing to the Lord. Trust in him. AT ALL costs. If you’re wondering how to trust Him, read your word. Read those promises and trust that He will fulfill them.

When He calls you more precious than rubies, believe it. When He promises to bring you peace, trust in it. Trust that His plans are only to prosper those who seek Him.

This season was also filled with people and their unwanted opinions. Their comments that came full circle into our loop. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people would tell me what others where saying. I had to learn how to forgive as well. It was a heavy time in my life, but the Lord was in the waiting (as always)

***

Dear 18 year old Michele:

When Amner texts you, don’t open it until you spend a minute with the Lord. Ask for wisdom and clarity. Don’t get caught up in your emotions. Encounter your identity in Christ. Its amazinggggg!

Dear 19 year old Michele:

Your desire to meet his family is a good one. You are worthy. You are the daughter of the most High King. Amner is just a brother in Christ. When he is ready to surrender to the Lord (which will be soon) he will be ready to ask you for your hand in courtship!

Dear 20 year old Michele:

Remember your worth, you have bigger dates to go on! Go to that coffee shop, but go meet the Lord, not Amner. Amner will be an amazing man of God, but he is currently not ready to receive you. He thinks he is, but he is not. Be patient & still!

Dear 21 year old Michele:

Good job, you have been obedient. Keep praying. KEEP SEEKING. Pray for Amners obedience and identity in Christ. He’s almost there!

 

As ya’ll can see, if I could go back in time (which I wouldn’t because as usual, the Lord glorified Himself) I would teach myself a thing or two about stillness and steadfastness. I would love to encourage anyone reading this to seek & encounter Him. His plan for you is seriously great. Practice patience and prayer.

This is just a little bit of my personal journey, and I’m thankful I’m where I am now and can’t wait to see where I’ll be. I know there will be trials, but I look at them as a chance of building endurance. Guess what? You can’t win a race without endurance 😉

Xx, Michele<3

 

UP NEXT: Season of Separation!

1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Journey to Marriage | Morning Aria

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